I really didn’t know where to start with this. I mean, there’s just so many angles about puffed corn that one can take. Do I talk about how I miss the Cheetos Paws that came out in the mid 90’s? Or how Chester Cheetah wanted soooo bad to be Sonic the Hedgehog, what with his flashy sneakers? Or maybe how the new ad campaign wants to be the creepy Burger King, King commercials. But they’re not. Never will be. The King is so delightfully weird.
So I kind of gave up. Even the wikipedia page is pretty sparse. And then Google provided. On the main Cheetos website, Cheetos.com (for those of you who haven’t figured it out yet), they have a page where you, the ever hungering public, can research your favorite flavor of Cheetos, and learn a little bit more about it. I did just that. And to help YOU enjoy Cheetos even more, we’ll cut out the ad hype, and give you the straight dope.
( all italic copy / images are the sole property of Cheetos, and it’s parent company
source: http://www.cheetos.com/retro/parents_products.php )
Cheetos Snacks Crunchy
Cheetos says:
“May cause a little dose of cheese-mania. Symptoms may include orange fingers, an orange tongue and a dangerously cheesy attitude!”
I say:
Chesse Mania, even in small doses, is highly contagious. Symptoms may include: people referring to you as “King Midas”, asking where you got an orange popsicle from, and may result in a lack of subtlety when alluding to personal hygiene and dietary choices.
Cheetos Flamin’ Hot Crunchy Snacks
Cheetos says:
“Warning! By "Flamin' Hot® we mean set-your-mouth-ablaze FLAMIN' HOT! You've been warned!”
I say:
They probably can’t do that. I mean, really, on fire? That’s a pretty big claim. One time I told this girl on the dance floor, that my sweet disco moves would set her heart on fire, and all it got me was beat up by her boyfriend.
Cheetos Flamin’ Hot with Limon Crunchy Snacks
Cheetos says:
“All the flavors and heat of CHEETOS FLAMIN' HOT with a twist of Lemon and Lime.”
I say:
If the thought of your mouth on fire didn’t simply flabbergast and floor you, then the addition of fruit will! Also you might be gay if you eat these. I’m not trying to be derogatory, but you gays tend to put a seemingly excessive amount of sour fruit in your drinks.
Cheetos Twisted Snacks
Cheetos says:
“Dangerously cheesy. Totally twisted. By all accounts, this is one monster snack of delicious proportions!”
I say:
If you’re looking for a snack you can enjoy with some fava beans and a nice Chianti, then this is the snack for you. I mean did you see the description!? For even looking at the packaging, YOU should be the one that gets locked up. Not only will this snack murder your family in a totally twisted manner, it might also rape your dog or a convincing garden gnome.
Cheetos Puffs Snacks
Cheetos says:
“Prepare yourself for dangerously cheesy flavor. No telling what outrageous and unreasonable behavior can occur. Better warn your friends!”
I say:
Yes you had better warn your friends about this ludicrous snack. If this hellion of a snack is your snack of choice, then the most outrageous and unreasonable situation I can foresee, is you getting orange dust all over the place from playing Super Smash Bros. all night. Your Wiimote/parents basement might never be the same again.
Cheetos Puffs White Cheddar
Cheetos says:
“A delicious all-natural snack with all the great taste you expect from CHEETOS, but nothing artificial.”
I say:
This is a snack designed for those of you who not only want to eat like an asshole, but still act like one as well, as indicated by the “all natural” tag. Nothing says smarmy like smearing cheese all over things while holding a protest sign.
Baked Cheetos Snacks Crunchy
Cheetos says:
“The great Dangerously Cheesy taste you love, with 50% less fat and 20% fewer calories!”
I say:
I couldn’t agree more. I even had some for lunch today. I found it ironic that the only bag of Cheetos I’ve bought over the last 5 years, was the one with the least amount of ridiculous copy explaining it. Baked Cheetos are the shit. Less grease, no sass/guff. And for some reason, it doesn’t leave cheese everywhere.
So there you have it Kara, a blog about Cheetos. Challenge #1 completed.
2 comments:
I kind of want lemon lime firey cheetos. There's so much going on there.
p.s. as for blog challenge #2, i'd like to set forth some guidlines cause I don't put it past you to be like "UFC is positive...positively dumb!!!" When I say positive, I mean the happy, cheerful kind. Also, bonus point for mentioning Forrest Griffin, cause I'm gonna marry him one day.
Funny stuff. Unfortunately the Cheeto's® website didn't list my favorite flavor, Jalapeño! It's still extreme and zesty with south of the border flavor®, but doesn't KICK IT INTO OVERDRIVE and light my tongue directly on fire®.
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