City Living Updates

Well, the good news is that I haven't caught Hipsteritis (wiki deff.) yet, so that's a plus. I haven't really had time to catalog the goings ons in my neighborhood, so I'll just give you the highlights.

- The Thursday of the first week we moved in, 5 min. after I got home from work, the house next to us got busted for a drug raid. Busted in door and everything. I found out the week after from the people that live there that "the cops said they found 'seeds' in the alleyway behind us". No comment.

- There is a ghetto blastin' Ice Cream truck that comes around. The song is catchy and he has good prices. He however is a fat Armenian looking guy. Thats good marketing. Also, the ice cream rocks.

- The other night the cops were called on our other neighbors, possibly a domestic call, I'm not sure. However when the cops left, my neighbor spent the better part of 12 min. yelling in the streets that if "this neighborhood had a fucking problem with him, he was right fucking there." Then he got in his car, and sped off really fast. Also it was 1:20 am.

- I met a former Marine/ex-carthief who told me about how he was technically dead for 6 min. when he crashed during a dragrace. Nice guy.

- The corner bar on my block is awesome. I was outside once with my old roomate, and a guy told us about how he used to "keep this entire fuckin' city rollin' on acid, man! You guys ever done acid?" No, we replied. "You should man, it'll expand your fuckin' mind!" Then he told us about trying to bang his girlfriend, while driving drunk, going 95mph on Costal Highway outside of Ocean City. He got pulled over and the cops let him go. I'm convinced this man is a magician, or a sorcerer.

- Also at the bar, I met a guy that looks/sounds just like Crabman from My Name is Earl! His name was Rick. He sells bikes. Also his shirt said "beer time", and there was a digital clock with beer for the numbers. Awesome.

- We live near the Charm City Cakes shop, and drink at the bar, The Diz which is right across the street from it. Last week I saw one of the cake decorators, Elena, outside smoking so I went out to "make a call" and to siphon some of her cool by being in close proximity. Two min. later Mary Alice from the show drove by and told Elena, that she was going to "shit on your balls". I'm no baker, but I'm pretty sure that's code for, "shit on your balls."


More to come.

The Piss Pot.

Piss Pot. What? That's what I call the bathroom sometimes. I actually have to pee reeeeeally bad right now as I'm writing this. But as this post is about bathrooms, I'd figured I'd go all Gonzo and immerse myself in the content. Wait, does that sound right?

Whatever.

I work in an office setting, and I don't know about the rest of you, but I've got little rituals I have before I use the bathroom. There are a few big ones, and a few small ones. Nonetheless, they are all EXTREMELY important, to ensure that I maximize my pooping/peeing potential.

In no order:

1. I will not take a dump in an otherwise already occupied bathroom. The basis for this is simple, if someone sees me going in, and hears me take a tremendous crap, french horns and everything, I don't wanna have a nickname like, "Sir Shits-a-lot" or, "That guy that assed up the bathroom." If there's no one else in there at the time, I'm in luck. I simply take my ID card which hangs from my belt loop and flip it around, so when my pants are around my ankles, I'm invisible. From that point on, it's smooth sailing. I can make whatever symphony of sound and smell I like and enjoy anonymity.

However when I'm done, I've gotta make sure that the last person to hear me is good and gone, so that mystery trumpeter stays an enigma.

2. I get stage fright and will very rarely take a whiz, whilst someone else is in there with me. In this case, I use a stall. Say what you like, my piss is my business.

3. If at all possible, I try and use the bathrooms on the top floor. Not necessarily for the privacy factor, but because it makes me feel like a big wig. Like I should be smoking a cigar on the john, while I'm reading the Wall Street Journal.

4. When I've gotta go, I disconnect my i-pod from my computer, hide my drawer key, and grab my cell phone. Because if I didn't do these things, someone would deff. root around in all my stuff, and steal my valuables right from under my co-workers noses in the 4 min. I'm gone. Probably.

5. It's important to take note of which bathroom appliances mean the most business. For ex. the paper towel dispenser on the 3rd floor, grinds out towels at a ridiculously slow rate. While the paper towel dispenser on the 5th floor shoots em' out like it's getting fired the next day. These are good things to know.

6. The final, and one of the most important things I take in consideration, is location, location, location. Why you may ask? Find the bathroom that is least likely to be used by heavy traffic, and you will have less people talking to you while you're in there. This annoys me to no end. Girls, I know this is pretty common for you all, but guys, come on. The Piss Pot is no place for jibber-jabber. Unless of course, you just took a dump that's over at least 4 Kurichs. At the very least.

Now if you'll excuse me, I've gotta run. Literally.


*note, author did in fact take a whiz after writing this post. it was, 'awesome'.

Stuff I Miss

I've been busy lately here at my job, so I haven't been updating as much. Yesterday I remembered I missed blogging. Then I also realized I missed a few other things. These are them.

-Glenn Danzig being the singer for the Misfits, and not getting knocked out like a wiener

-Die cast Transformers.

-Velcro shoes.

-Easily skipping class in High School, as opposed to calling out of work for a day.

-Local punk shows.

-Ska. Is anyone else besides Streetlight Manifesto, still doing that? And no, Big D and the Kids Table DO NOT count. They suck.

-Good Saturday morning cartoons. WTF is Ben 10 all about? A magic watch? Whatever.

-Chasing girls on the playground to let them know you liked them, as opposed to buying them an $8 martini, and listening to them talk about their cat for 2 hours.

-Thinking you were suuuuch a badass for ordering a virgin strawberry daiquiri when you were 10. Now I just look like a wimp.

-Not getting awful, terrible, horrid hangovers because I'm old now. I hope I don't turn into one of those guys that drinks a glass of water for every drink he has (sorry Mike.)

-Eating for free everyday because I worked mostly in restaurants, and not buying groceries.

-My mohawk. Trust me, if I could right now, I would.

So in summation, *sigh*.