Blog Challenge #1

Well you never asked for it, and I had it assigned to me randomly, but here it is, a blog about Cheetos.

I really didn’t know where to start with this. I mean, there’s just so many angles about puffed corn that one can take. Do I talk about how I miss the Cheetos Paws that came out in the mid 90’s? Or how Chester Cheetah wanted soooo bad to be Sonic the Hedgehog, what with his flashy sneakers? Or maybe how the new ad campaign wants to be the creepy Burger King, King commercials. But they’re not. Never will be. The King is so delightfully weird.

So I kind of gave up. Even the wikipedia page is pretty sparse. And then Google provided. On the main Cheetos website, Cheetos.com (for those of you who haven’t figured it out yet), they have a page where you, the ever hungering public, can research your favorite flavor of Cheetos, and learn a little bit more about it. I did just that. And to help YOU enjoy Cheetos even more, we’ll cut out the ad hype, and give you the straight dope.

( all italic copy / images are the sole property of Cheetos, and it’s parent company
source: http://www.cheetos.com/retro/parents_products.php )



Cheetos Snacks Crunchy



Cheetos says:

“May cause a little dose of cheese-mania. Symptoms may include orange fingers, an orange tongue and a dangerously cheesy attitude!”

I say:

Chesse Mania, even in small doses, is highly contagious. Symptoms may include: people referring to you as “King Midas”, asking where you got an orange popsicle from, and may result in a lack of subtlety when alluding to personal hygiene and dietary choices.

Cheetos Flamin’ Hot Crunchy Snacks


Cheetos says:

“Warning! By "Flamin' Hot® we mean set-your-mouth-ablaze FLAMIN' HOT! You've been warned!”

I say:

They probably can’t do that. I mean, really, on fire? That’s a pretty big claim. One time I told this girl on the dance floor, that my sweet disco moves would set her heart on fire, and all it got me was beat up by her boyfriend.

Cheetos Flamin’ Hot with Limon Crunchy Snacks


Cheetos says:

“All the flavors and heat of CHEETOS FLAMIN' HOT with a twist of Lemon and Lime.”

I say:

If the thought of your mouth on fire didn’t simply flabbergast and floor you, then the addition of fruit will! Also you might be gay if you eat these. I’m not trying to be derogatory, but you gays tend to put a seemingly excessive amount of sour fruit in your drinks.

Cheetos Twisted Snacks


Cheetos says:

“Dangerously cheesy. Totally twisted. By all accounts, this is one monster snack of delicious proportions!”

I say:

If you’re looking for a snack you can enjoy with some fava beans and a nice Chianti, then this is the snack for you. I mean did you see the description!? For even looking at the packaging, YOU should be the one that gets locked up. Not only will this snack murder your family in a totally twisted manner, it might also rape your dog or a convincing garden gnome.

Cheetos Puffs Snacks


Cheetos says:

“Prepare yourself for dangerously cheesy flavor. No telling what outrageous and unreasonable behavior can occur. Better warn your friends!”

I say:

Yes you had better warn your friends about this ludicrous snack. If this hellion of a snack is your snack of choice, then the most outrageous and unreasonable situation I can foresee, is you getting orange dust all over the place from playing Super Smash Bros. all night. Your Wiimote/parents basement might never be the same again.

Cheetos Puffs White Cheddar


Cheetos says:

“A delicious all-natural snack with all the great taste you expect from CHEETOS, but nothing artificial.”

I say:

This is a snack designed for those of you who not only want to eat like an asshole, but still act like one as well, as indicated by the “all natural” tag. Nothing says smarmy like smearing cheese all over things while holding a protest sign.

Baked Cheetos Snacks Crunchy


Cheetos says:

“The great Dangerously Cheesy taste you love, with 50% less fat and 20% fewer calories!”

I say:

I couldn’t agree more. I even had some for lunch today. I found it ironic that the only bag of Cheetos I’ve bought over the last 5 years, was the one with the least amount of ridiculous copy explaining it. Baked Cheetos are the shit. Less grease, no sass/guff. And for some reason, it doesn’t leave cheese everywhere.

So there you have it Kara, a blog about Cheetos. Challenge #1 completed.

Comments.

So, my friend Jen, who is color blind left this comment about my most recent blog on my myspace.

"Alan! Hope you're doing well! Thought I'd drop by to say "howdy" that's right, Howdy... and tell you I still love reading your blogs... I mean, they are the best things that have happened to my eyes since rods and cones.... well rods at least... ha ha, that was the greatest line ever!! If you guys are ever in Canton, let me know, I live there now! YAY!"

Best coment ever. Girl, you go wit ya bad self.

Hookers.

So, apparently I've been living in a cave on Mars with my fingers in my ears for the last two days, because I hadn't heard about Fmr. Gov. Spitzer's sex scandal. What's even more lame, is that I work in media. However I guess to be fair, in the old days one of the reporters might have gone running through the hall, clad in suspenders and fedora with a press card in it, yelling "EXTRY, EXTRY! GOV. BOINKS SLUT!!" I was sick yesterday, so I'll assume that actually is what happened, and cut myself some slack.

(btw, if any of our reporters are reading this, and come running through the adv. dept the next time a news story breaks, I will buy you lunch for that day. Press card in your hat is optional, but appreciated)

But seriously folks, on to what really matters in this story. Did you all see the gams on that tomato that he slept with?? What a looker! Apparently this girl is a "22-year-old aspiring musician who struggled in a broken home as a child."

Aren't they all though? And these girls make the best hookers. All you have to do is pretend to care about her music for 3 min. and you probably get a little bit more bang for your buck. Call it "engaging", or "ground breaking" and I'm sure you could &%## with your *^$$$, and then #%*^ all over her ^^&##. If you couldn't read that, it read, "love with your heart, and then fawn all over her personality." Or whatever.

But it makes me happy on a personal level that Spitzer has at least got good taste. I'm so tired of seeing powerful political figures being taken down by buttafaces. I mean, do you guys even remember Gennifer Flowers?

Woof.

I hope I don't drop dead after writing this, so her visage will be the last thing etched in my memory. Even Paula Jones wasn't that hot. 4 beers in at best.

So I'm glad that Spitzer is at least dropping the "cl" off of the "class, in politics". At least when he's gotta give press conferences on it now, it doesn't look like he's taking the worlds worst walk of shame. If anything, this is just gonna catapult him into the "awesome retired politicians" category, like Marion Barry, or Ed Norris. Hell if anything, Spitzer should try and run for office in Baltimore or DC. We're a very forgiving area.

I'm not really sure when I'm going for much longer with this one so, Ashley Dupre, call me?

Photos courtesy of BaltimoreSun.com

I have no excuse.

I'm lazy. Also I've been busy at work. You know how that goes. Flyin' around, beatin' up bad guys, sexin' up womens. Mostly abusing apostrophes over words that end in "n". But I'm, back in the game again.

To cure my writers block, Kara over at This Is Mental proposed that we chose topics for each other. The topic I chose for her was designed to increase her spontaneity in a controlled format, by choosing something she likes, and then making 3 truthful reasons she likes that thing, as well as 3 batshit crazy reasons she like it.

What was my topic you might ask? Cheetos. The orange things. Kinda crunchy? Yeah. So in a little while, brace yourself for the most in depth and hard hitting expose on Cheetos you've ever seen.

Edit: I've also been challenged to write a positive piece on UFC by Caitlin. Keep em' comin'.