The Piss Pot.

Piss Pot. What? That's what I call the bathroom sometimes. I actually have to pee reeeeeally bad right now as I'm writing this. But as this post is about bathrooms, I'd figured I'd go all Gonzo and immerse myself in the content. Wait, does that sound right?

Whatever.

I work in an office setting, and I don't know about the rest of you, but I've got little rituals I have before I use the bathroom. There are a few big ones, and a few small ones. Nonetheless, they are all EXTREMELY important, to ensure that I maximize my pooping/peeing potential.

In no order:

1. I will not take a dump in an otherwise already occupied bathroom. The basis for this is simple, if someone sees me going in, and hears me take a tremendous crap, french horns and everything, I don't wanna have a nickname like, "Sir Shits-a-lot" or, "That guy that assed up the bathroom." If there's no one else in there at the time, I'm in luck. I simply take my ID card which hangs from my belt loop and flip it around, so when my pants are around my ankles, I'm invisible. From that point on, it's smooth sailing. I can make whatever symphony of sound and smell I like and enjoy anonymity.

However when I'm done, I've gotta make sure that the last person to hear me is good and gone, so that mystery trumpeter stays an enigma.

2. I get stage fright and will very rarely take a whiz, whilst someone else is in there with me. In this case, I use a stall. Say what you like, my piss is my business.

3. If at all possible, I try and use the bathrooms on the top floor. Not necessarily for the privacy factor, but because it makes me feel like a big wig. Like I should be smoking a cigar on the john, while I'm reading the Wall Street Journal.

4. When I've gotta go, I disconnect my i-pod from my computer, hide my drawer key, and grab my cell phone. Because if I didn't do these things, someone would deff. root around in all my stuff, and steal my valuables right from under my co-workers noses in the 4 min. I'm gone. Probably.

5. It's important to take note of which bathroom appliances mean the most business. For ex. the paper towel dispenser on the 3rd floor, grinds out towels at a ridiculously slow rate. While the paper towel dispenser on the 5th floor shoots em' out like it's getting fired the next day. These are good things to know.

6. The final, and one of the most important things I take in consideration, is location, location, location. Why you may ask? Find the bathroom that is least likely to be used by heavy traffic, and you will have less people talking to you while you're in there. This annoys me to no end. Girls, I know this is pretty common for you all, but guys, come on. The Piss Pot is no place for jibber-jabber. Unless of course, you just took a dump that's over at least 4 Kurichs. At the very least.

Now if you'll excuse me, I've gotta run. Literally.


*note, author did in fact take a whiz after writing this post. it was, 'awesome'.