It's the most, wonderful time, of the year!

Well, it’s election time again. And you all know what that means, if your candidate wins it’s that one time every four years, where everyone is civil to each other, because approximately half the country are nursing wounds. Obama voters might be more apt to hold a door open for a sulking McCain fan. McCain voters will start letting the heartbroken Obama supporters move ahead of them in the grocery line. Every four years, it’s an almost unprecedented time of humanity and compassion.


And it typically only lasts for about, 12 min., give or take. And then we all run around for the next two weeks like blubbering assholes, doing the “I told you so” dance. There’s absolutely nothing that we as Americans enjoy more than saying, “I told you so”, or relishing a victory in the most asinine way possible. It’s in our blood.


-Revolutionary War: “More taxes for the colonies!”

With the sole exceptions of Guy Ritchie movies, and James Bond films, every British person in American cinema has made Woody Allen look like Vin Diesel. It’s like they’re an entire country of Hugh Grants. Oh so charming, but if you sneeze in their customs line, the entire country thinks it has SARS.

-The Civil War: “Slaves are a good thing!”

Admittedly, the South kinda had it coming to them. You can’t enslave a race of people, and then when you have to set them free, expect “bygones to be bygones.” It may have taken a while, but black folks have been consistently stickin' it to the south ever since. *Da dun tzzzzzzz*

-The Cold War: “Soviet Russia will never fall to the American pigdogs!”

Russia is kinda like the big fat kid on the playground. You know that when he’s standing it’s gonna take like, 16 dodge balls to knock him off balance, but once he starts falling, he’s not gonna get back up again. He’s just too heavy, and things are waaay more interesting on the ground anyways. In fact, he didn’t even want to be standing in the first place, so actually YOU did HIM a favor. Pigdogs.


So on election night when it’s all finally over, don’t kid yourselves with a “well it was a good race Ted”. That’s fucking bullshit, and you know it. The moment that the TV says, ”Obama wins! * ” you should be ripping your shirt off so the losers around you can bask in your pre-painted chest logo of a gigantic middle finger, painted red, white and blue. Because this is America goddamnit, and if we can’t rub victory in the loser’s face until he suffocates, then nobody wins my friends, just the terrorists.


*I’m sure John McCain has a very good chance of winning. Seriously.